Trapped

Where to begin? Over the last few weeks, despite all my efforts to stay positive and happy, I’ve mentally checked out. I have the same feelings of being lost, confused and trapped as I did after being evacuated last year.

Due to the constant unrest here from all groups ranging from military to students to vendors, it has made my life extremely difficult. It has been a continuous question mark of what will happen next. Schools are constantly being cancelled due to protests, life in general is disrupted, all major cities are off limits, and I go to bed at night listening to automatic rifles shots. Is this what my life as a Peace Corps volunteer should be?

I live my life day to day. My packed bags stare at me everyday asking me what am I still doing here. I am trying to eat up all my good, American care package food just in case tomorrow we get moved or evacuated. I run through lists in my head. Did I take pictures of everything here I want to remember? Did I buy gifts for everyone at home before I don’t have the chance to? Did I pack everything I don’t want to lose?

I’m not sure what my next step will or should be. Is the country stables out, will I be able to continue my work here as normal? Do I have the ability to mentally check back in and be the successful volunteer I want to be?

** This blog I wrote about a week ago when I was (obviously) having a hard time. I want to stress that not only am I safe, but I am back to a healthy state of mind. I wasn’t going to post this blog, I was about to delete it, but, I thought that my friends and family should know that sometimes life here is really hard. I go through situations that people at home cannot possibly understand and so this is my way of helping you all to understand a little bit.